George Gordon Byron, 6th Lord Byron (1788-1824)
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
There is nothing in the world so irresistably contagious as laughter and good humour.
Fyodor Dostoevsky (1821-1881)
If you wish to glimpse inside a human soul and get to know a man…just watch him laugh.
if he laughs well, he’s a good man.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Maurice Chevalier (1888-1972)
You don’t stop laughing because you grow older
You grow older because you stop laughing.
Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977)
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain and play with it!
Victor Borge (1909-2000)
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Mort Walker (1923-2018)
Seven days without laughter makes one weak.
—
Marcus Tullius Cicero (106-43 BC.)
Politicians are not born; they are excreted.
Churchill (1885-1965) in 1946
Bessie Braddock MP . “Winston, you are drunk and, what’s more, you are disgustingly drunk”.
Churchill. “Bessie, my dear, you are ugly and, what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly.
But I shall be sober in the morning!”
There’s no such thing as an ‘infectious disease’!
If there were, you could catch someone else’s
headache, tummy ache, depression or swollen ankle…
The following limericks are dedicated to my family,
Who gave me a love of reading;
To my teachers, who gave me a love of history
And to Edward Lear (1812-1888),
Whose genius and humour inspired me to write these stories.
——
I have too much time on my hands
More than enough for schemes and plans
How I wish-I’m not joking-
That instead I was working
And had less time to fill and to pass.
——
The football club’s new burger bar
Is a hit with fans from near and far.
There are no games to see
With hot chips on your knee-
You just stand there and eat by your car.
—–
The Black death was a deadly disease
That for labour the cost was increased
Off the ships rats did spill
one in three men to kill
So those left could charge more with such ease.
——
When King Richard two was aged just nine
The Peasants’ Revolt he did find.
As his courtiers fled
He, with bravery, led
But to rebels lied time after time.
——-
The French king’s insult-tennis balls.
Some amusement in King Henry’s halls.
He invades, not for sport,
And wins at Agincourt.
His quick death many more problems did cause.
——
Mehmet the Second made his fame
When Istanbul for the Turk he did claim;
Aged just twenty -two,
He’s the great Sultan who
Has ‘The Conqueror’ after his name.
——
Geoffrey Chaucer his Tales did tell
At a time when belief in a hell
And heaven was so high
That priests people did bribe,
For to build new St. Peter’s so well.
Will Shakespeare wrote so many plays
Eliz’bethan and Jacobean days
Tragic, happy and sad
Mighty, high, low or mad
Destiny, moral, triumph and decay
——
Louis Quatorze, Sun King in his pomp
Built a palace-Versailles-in a swamp!
The king decisions made
Courtiers gambled and played-
Endless parties, extravagant romps…
——
When MPs kicked King James out of town
And offered to Dutch William his crown
They did him so impress
That he quickly said, “Yes!”
And accepted less power, more ground.
——
Lexicography, words and their order,
Dr Johnson was our first great recorder.
From ‘Zulu’ to ‘aardvark’
He sure did make his mark
And is curs-ed by every reporter.
——
The first King George no English he spoke,
When accepting our throne. For menfolk
Handel’s music did thrive
‘Royal Fireworks’, Live!
With ‘Messiah’ just huge choirs could cope.
——
Marie Antoinette her name famous did make
And the French monarchy she did shake,
But the poor fared much worse,
So their Queen they did curse
When she exclaimed, “Oh just let them eat cake!”
——
HMS Bounty was sent to Tahiti
To sign with the king there a treaty.
Fletcher Christian and crew
Did not want the breadfruit
So they kicked Captain Bligh out-Mutiny!
——
George the Third lost the colonies when
His new taxes enraged their free men.
So they sank chests of tea
And the Royal army
Was defeated by George Washington!
——
The Prince Regent spent money like water-
Not for him leading soldiers to slaughter.
He So much drank and ate
That so large was his gait
There was nowhere he could wear the Garter!
——
Treasure Island in Stevenson’s book
Was a dream of lost riches that took
Long John Silver some ages
To find in the pages
Of Jim Hawkins’ diary. Worth a look!
——
The Adventures in Wonderland start
When White Rabbit is heard to remark,
That he’s late for the Queen
And had better be seen
Or she’ll shout, “Off with his head!” in the park.
In my house there’s a ghostly bedroom
Where the air is as cold as a tomb.
You can feel his presence,
Though you can’t see his essence,
And your hairs stand on edge in the gloom!
—–
An arrow in King Harold’s left eye.
This was not the way he did die!
Just a legend from men,
The brave losers, who then
Chose just how to embellish the lie.
——
Thomas Becket was his King’s best friend.
The relationship came to an end
When Thomas joined the Church
And his views they did lurch
So unable their friendship to mend.
——
Magna Carta- few copies remain-
Of the pact King John made by the Thames,
With his nobles and lords.
But the king broke his word
And son Henry did make it again.
——
The First Edward, he Hammered the Scots
A new empire created, but lost.
There are rumours today
His son Edward was gay
And a weakling whose death was most hot!
Martin Luther on church doors put his views
And religious reform did ensue.
To the Habsburgs’ surprise,
Princes flocked to his side.
They could see how to gain something new.
——
In the Mexican cities of old,
When Cortes’ Spanish men stole the gold,
Montezuma’s Revenge
Killed the horses and men.
Served them right for being greedy and bold.
——
When the Pope Charles’ prisoner became
Put an end to Tom Wolsey’s grand game.
So that Henry’s divorce
Was soon blown way off course
To the Cardinal’s ruin and shame.
——
Anne Boleyn’s education was French
Henry liked her because so few could match
Her ideas, erudition.
So it soon was sedition
To spend time with his second catch.
——
Henry’s wives, some beheaded, some died.
‘Twas treason for those men who tried
To rise at his expense.
So with no recompense,
He dismissed them for their greed and pride.
Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life
Eric Idle/Monty Python
Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle,
Don’t grumble, give a whistle,
And this’ll help things turn out for the best, hey,
Always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the light side of life,
If life seems jolly rotten,
There’s something you’ve forgotten,
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you’re feeling in the dumps,
Don’t be silly chumps,
Just purse you’re lips and whistle,
That’s the thing.
And, always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the right side of life,
For life is quite absurd,
An. death’s the final word,
You must always face the curtain with a bow,
Forget about your sin,
give the audience a grin,
Enjoy it, it’s you last chance of the hour.
So, always look on the bright side of death,
Just before you draw your terminal breath,
Life’s a piece o’ shit,
When you look at it,
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke it’s true,
You’ll see it’s all a show,
Keep ’em laughing as you go,
Remember that the last laugh is on you.
And, always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the right side of life,
Come on, Brian cheer up,
Always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the right side of life,
Worse things happen at sea, you know,
Always look on the bright side of life,
I mean, what do you have to lose?
You come from nothing,
You go back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!
Always look on the bright side of life.
